How to feel secure in your relationship

You can’t read minds

Bad communication is at the basis of most relationship problems and social anxieties. Bad communication between people can cause one or more individuals involved to “mind read” and it’s likely that all parties involved are doing this, possibly without their awareness; it’s a bit of a self defense mechanism.

What is mind reading? Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when in fact, they do not. What you assume to be in someone else’s mind is based on your individual nature, combined with your life experiences aka, what would you be thinking in this situation. No other human is quite like you, so to assume that another has the same thought patterns and tendencies as you, is a rapid route to feeling of insecurity and stress. And, if this goes unchecked for too long, can become chronic stress which has many bad affects on our relationships, our bodies and our brains.

If someone says something to you, assume that they mean what they are saying. If they remain silent in general or in response to a statement, question, accusation or comment from you or another, please do not assume that their silence has some hidden, negative connotation. Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind. It’s each adult’s responsibility to mean what they say and say what they mean. When we don’t offer that kindness to others, or try to read between the lines we lend ourselves to insecurity. Give others the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.

We all have the right to privacy in our minds, including you and your partner. For some, it’s natural to want to know every little thing going on in their mind. For others it’s natural to keep their innermost thoughts to themselves. When you stop trying to read minds, you really begin to respect their right to privacy. Everyone deserves the right to think private thoughts. Constantly asking, “What are you thinking?” can provoke a person to withdraw from a relationship to find space. Which is actually the manifestation of your deepest insecurity.

The perfect relationship does not exist

Lifetimes can be wasted, hopelessly seeking the “right” lover and the “right” friends, when the seeker expects others to be perfect. Worse, the process of seeking out perfection in others will drive you mad, as you feel more insecure with each failed relationship that doesn’t live up to your fantasy of perfection.

“Feeling perfect” for us vs. being perfect is a different story. We are all seeking those special relationships, but if you have been through enough of them, you begin to realize that perfect people don’t exist. Different flavors of imperfection do and that’s because we are all imperfect in some way. You yourself are imperfect in many ways, awareness of this fact allows you to consciously seek out relationships with people who are imperfect in ways that compliment your imperfections.

Have you finally run up against your deepest imperfections? Your unsolvable flaws, the ones that truly define who you are? Growing fully into yourself requires a lot of life experience, realizing your own imperfections and, until this happens, you’re unable to proficiently select harmonious relationships. Only then, will you know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for balance… a perfectly imperfect person who balances you out.

Your past relationships have nothing to do with this one

Have you ever been hurt in love before? Was your partner abusive or dishonest, did they leave you or maybe all of the above? After such an experience, might you have passed unfair judgment on someone, someone who reminds you of your past? Did you respond defensively to everyone else who had tried to get close to you for a while? Are you still defensive in some ways? Have they all deserved this? It’s common to unconsciously create associations between the past and present…. and it’s more common to not realize what you’re doing.

Using old bricks from the failed relationships of your past to build your present, will result in the same flawed structures that fell apart before. If you suspect that you’ve been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one fro the past… it’s time for some conscious reflection. What were the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship? Now think of all the ways that your present relationship differs. This small exercise will help you to set down the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities.

Inventing problems that don’t exist isn’t cute.

The path to self sabotage is paved when we invent problems in our mind and then believe them. If we amuse ourselves with anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios, we are choosing to overlook the plain, downright, simple and honest truth.

Insecurity is the culprit here and your relationships will suffer. If you doubt yourself and you do’t realize your own worth, you will deny yourself the opportunity to be cared for by others. Your insecurity issues will weigh you down until you’re stuck.

Example: An insecure passenger in a car won’t allow anyone else to drive. They feel out of control and imagine that the driver is not paying attention. They may even think that the slight jolting of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending collision. They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they have invented in their mind represent reality.

There are normal idiosyncrasies in any relationship. Duality, highs and lows, closeness and distance, friction and affection, all of this is normal. Wanting closeness and intimacy all of the time in a relationship is unrealistic.

Next time you catch yourself creatively inventing problems that don’t exist, out of insecurity, stop your and take a deep breath. Then say to yourself, “This problem I'm concerned with only exists in my mind.” Distinguishing between what you imagine and what is actually happening is a learned skill and an important step towards self-confidence.